elgac's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fear of what may come Ah the boy has thrown me a wrench. Yesterday after getting off the phone with his ex whom he fathered a child, we spoke of what was going on. i.e. Why he was on the phone in my bedroom while I was walking around my living/everything else room trying to not notice the loud voice leaking out my way. Ex problems aside she called him out on not being on his meds. Now he owned up to her being right. This scared/scares me, I have a huge fear of this due to my past. One my last serious relationship was with an unbalanced totally bipolar woman that used weed to control her up and down swings. Yeah I know I know. Two I can not deal with a needy unbalanced man right now. I have only known the guy for a month and a half. This is supposed to be fun and exciting not dangerous. I don't think he would hurt me but I don't want to ponder that thought much. His reasoning for not being on his meds is money. I understand but I think he should have told me. His retort was I didn't notice yet so he must be fine. It will be a week today since his last dose. Yeah big danger flag, but his retort was after I got a bit pissed and put up a huge visible metaphor wall. The med thing is bad and the longer he goes the more of a pit he'll have to climb out of to get leveled. I know how it works I went to Art school, had a lover that was, an ex close friend, and I was a resident assistant in the dorms for two years. needless to say I like the guy but shit. This is where I don't want to start thinking now I have to be careful and not hurt/excite him. I'm sitting on this line currently. Last night I told him I want to know these things as soon as they happen. We are suppose to be completely open with each other. I also explained I weighted my feelings and I haven't cut him out but that I thought about it. I want to believe he is capable of a stable relationship but soon he will have to improve in a more healthy way or he is out. His up swing ways are more apparent. For example he was talking about spending money on going to the sex club and buying me porn. Yes I like these things but he needs to take care of his medical issues. But if I was a less informed person I'd have been excited and drawn up into his energy not thinking about the cost. This is a test of his ability to do the right thing. He knows what it is but can he do it for himself? Good luck Justin. In other news Sean, Smike's twin brother you know from the lake earlier this week texted me. I text flirted back but nothing so far. Perhaps it was a bit too much. Ah I'll call the sweet freshly graduated from R.I.T.Photography dept. boy this weekend or maybe tonight. He seems to be normal, considerate, intelligent, cute, and wealthy. Good things.... Man I look like an ass but life is about so much more than love when it comes to compatibility. No I don't love Justin, just if you were confused. 10:51 a.m. - 2006-07-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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