elgac's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Collisions of the body, heart and stomach In 2001 March 15th at about 12:10am I was in my first car accident. It was Spring Break and I was hanging out in Jacksonville, Fl my hometown. I was riding in my best friend Sash's car, while she was driving and we were listening the Diggable Planets I do believe. Later in about 6 hours we were going to come up to the ATL. When a drunk Kindergarten teacher hit us head on our left front side. I lost the sight in my right eye for a while. It came back, which made me very very happy being an artist an all. Humans also receive about 80% of their sensory information from sight. But my hearing in my right ear is shitty. I lost the ability to hear high-pitched sounds out of it. Over all it isn't to bad especially when I want to ignore my alarm I just roll over on to my bad ear. And all said and done I received $46,000. It paid for a good bit of art school, vacations with my then lover mainly to the keys, drugs, art supplies, eating out, and life. Giving a $26,000 check to a twenty one year old was an act of craziness. I've learned alot now living off of about $22,000 a year it can be a drag in retrospect... Ah and from that point forth I've had a few issues with "cars". I was already twenty, in America, and was refusing to drive any car even the one's people tried to give to me. After the accident I had a great reason. Now as if I was struck by lightening I get a near death brush with cars almost daily. You know after you get struck your more likely to again. Its so bad that when I cross the street friends circle around me making a human shield. I am very aware but yet this isn't enough. I wonder if my ex put a hex on me. I wouldn't put it past her. This really sheds a new glow of understanding on me after the near death crashes with Andrew last week. We still haven't talked. I get a bit in here and there but he fears a lecture. I do too but there are a few things that need to be said. If it's any consolation he is now sick from NYC and his total lack of care for himself. He went to NYC with just a windbreaker, moron. He's the kind of man that needs a woman to take care of him. But sadly his mistress is alcohol. Why would any one want to drink themselves to the point that their penis can't work well "hardly" ever? If I had one I know I would be doing all that I could to take care of it. Ah all the trinkets and such, ~sigh~. Well I do have a penis, many a whole bag full really. This leads me to another timely fact. It has been over a month since I have had sex another person (not counting the one stray blow job and that was for practice). I feel the tension but I'm more in control of this state than I've ever been. I did see many a person I wouldn't have minded fucking while strolling the streets of NYC. Sadly I hung out with straights the whole time, none would go with me. And I wasn't ravenous enough to go shopping by myself. And the dudes that did flock didn't catch my attention. I chickened out on the Mary conversation. Man I'm a loser. But over all I don't want to drag her through any more of a mind fuck than I have. My friends are saying I'm being too harsh. As much as I have shurked off the concept of romantic love for myself I can see it from someone else. I am not the person she needs to be giving that to. Mary needs a willing partner. I don't want to be that dysfunctional sort of relationship half that you make excuses for constantly. I did say there will be no love but yet I feel this has not been heeded. Back to NYC, Sean and I hung out almost constantly. He clicked well with my NYC friends, didn't complain about walking, and walked about as fast as I did. I wanted to ask about "us". But as I was hanging out with myself a bit one day I decided to just see if it happens. He must care for me deeply to hangout with me as much as we did. Ah all the drinking, eating, smiles, hugs, laughs, bed sharing. To put it into perspective for you, he doesn't kiss on a first date. I can have sex if I feel so inclined like a person bites an apple. Their hungry so they eat, thus I take what I want when I want it for the most part. Yeah I would most likely eat his heart out. He is a gem of a friend though. A great kisser...not on this trip.... 2:32 p.m. - 2006-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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