elgac's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just a simple question really We all have moments in our lives when we have a pit of self-hatred. I'm currently crawling by my fingertips out of my pit. Its what you do with the hate that can really define your person. I personally have intense conversations in my head about this and that. Sometimes I cry but normally I listen to it and then move on. As of late I want to know why I want the things I desire. I've noticed that I fill the void in my life with drinking, smoking, sex, dancing, shopping, anything that will hold my attention span away from myself. As if I were on a diet I cannot stop any of these things cold turkey, but through a process of introspection and weaning. Almost dying two weeks ago pushed my time frame up a bit. I thought I didn't have a problem. But I do, its all the energy I waste on other people that will never return it. Granted I love to give with out thinking of the return but once in awhile I ask myself," Will this person feel the same sense of love and support for me." And I have come to the conclusion that most of my friends won't. I come from the school of thought that in the end all you have is your self. Yes we need people throughout life but when you die your alone. This time last year I was rebuilding my life from the burned torn shambles of my last love affair. I can now say I am ready to love again. I know myself after having been lost for years. Years spent in a long term relationship and art school, where I was trying to carry too many bags at once. Now I have the time and space I used to dream of while lying in my bed next to my partners begging myself to grow and leave. During this rebuilding of me I've made so many fantastic connections with people. The kind of wide spread intimacy I could never have because of my close-minded lovers. I have a lot to give, I always have. But the question seems to be with whom do I share my wealth? 12:23 p.m. - 2006-03-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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