elgac's Diaryland Diary

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I need a vacation from me

I've just gone back and read the last three entries I wrote. Ah I wish I could have seen what Wednesday night would become.

Sean and I still need to talk. But earlier that (Wednesday) day, Paige, a shared friend confessed to me. She told me that she had a date with Sean on Thursday night. Also divulged how Andrew had professed his undying love for her over the winter break. I knew he had by the way he acted about her. It was a truly enlightening conversation. Paige asked if I had feelings for Sean. I said something along the lines of, "We have a bit of something but we don't really go there." The sweetie twenty year old she is asked if it was ok if she still went out with him. Totally, though he is twenty-nine.

I was worried about the posse harmony now in retrospect I see that balance in the posse has turned any way.

I got Sean to talk about Paige, and the date bit. He asked her out but when talking to me said she did, no wait he did. I wanted to see if he was taking it seriously. He said,"Oh its just Paige." But I got him to see it as a tad more than that. Perhaps he was playing it off due to our unspoken attraction, I don't know. Getting that man to share his feelings is like...painting the toenails of a cockroach.

I would love for something to work out with the two of them. I could handle hanging out with her. I asked myself how I would feel once the posse started to date, I think it's going well. But only if I approve of them. I am the posse master. Amin is dating the hottie Swede (Elizabeth) I met. I figured out she was straight in about five minutes of meeting her. Thought to myself if I can't have her one of the posse might have a chance. Now she and Amin are falling in to a serious spring fling/love? thing. It makes me want to retch, but in the best possible way.

I haven't even spoken of Gigi, I think. She is a lady that I met through Maria while we were at MySistersRoom the only completely lesbian bar around. I gave her my card the last time I saw her. She called me as I was on the train to the airport flying out to the group show I had gotten into. We had lovely conversation that was interrupted by the train about three times but it flowed well. She is a nervous creature, one of those people unable to maintain eye contact in a very humm... eyes wildly looking every where else but you way. I like it when people are ill at ease, then I can come in and create that environment for them. I do so love pulling people out of their shells. One con though is she Spanish, actually Mexican. Rosa really burned me out on the whole Latina thing but she was Caribbean. Sometimes when Gigi is talking I hear a few ways of saying things that remind me of Rosa. It isn't fair to type cast all Latina's but I am wary, very wary. Maria thinks we'll be going out soon. She was right about Mary and I having sex.

Speaking of which I need to have that talk with her, eh not wanting to. I don't want to make her feel undesirable. But I don't want to devalue her as a person by having sex with her when I don't want to any more.

This has been the longest I have gone in a long time with out sex. I can feel it building. ~Sigh~ I need to grow up. Or learn to control myself. I used monogamy as a place to have tons of sex. Now to do that without really caring for the person twists the problem. I want lots of sex so much I get tired of it for a bit. I don't need love; it would be nice but not needed currently.

Ah I need a vacation from myself.

1:58 p.m. - 2006-03-10

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