elgac's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Green to Brown I have a weakness for smoking things that are not allowed in America. Drinking is so much work and high in calories, argh. I had plans of cleaning up my body this June. But with the double cancer scare of 2006 I lost that hope. Looking at Bella get eaten slowly by tumors was way more than I could handle sober. That and I haven't stopped smoking entirely for years. I stopped buying it last year. But being that I'm a cool person, have great friends, most of whom are artists, drugs are never far behind. I fear being controlled by people but here I am controlled by my desire for a plant. Stupid. I went in for my job interview and well it was more like here's the job, it pays shit but if your good we'll promote you, now we need to do a drug test. They brought another woman in and we did the mouth scrap test. This was my first drug test ever. I feel that drug tests are pointless. My job performance is in no way effected by what I do with my free time. Look at all the "functioning" alcoholics in the world, they put more people at risk than a person who doesn't drive and does what she wants in the safety of her own apartment. How many people do we know have smoked themselves to death? Not counting cigs of course.~Sigh~ But with all of this rationalizing aside I did it to myself. It was my lack of self control that most likely fucked me out of a job. Not a great job but an easy one that could have led on to more. Blah After I got home I lost it having gone from happy to dispairity rather quickly. Let me just preface this with I'm on my first month of a new birthcontrol to work out my ovary issues and I'm on my period. I get home and start to cry dripping my mascara all over. Jessica D needed me to hold on an artist desk for her so she called and was on her way. Matt R. was leaving to see Andrea in Maryland and I'm watching their cats so he needed to bring me the key to their place, came by as well. And I had made plans to see Trinity, we were going to have dinner and drinks. I watched Walking and Talking while I tried to stay together waiting for all of this to go down. I cried all over these people. Jessica and Matt are not close people to me. Well not fall apart cry on close. Luck for me Trinity is close and strong enough to deal with a broken weepy Elgac. We talked as I drank two tall strong cape cods and washed my face. Ran out for Grand China and a bottle of vodka, came back and made a happy nest in which we chatted up our hopes, misgivings, and desires. I slept like a rock due to the three hours of sleep I had gotten going through the Gigi sickness. I woke up feeling weighted by my dread. I've tried to shurk it off but it is still trailing behind me. 1:33 p.m. - 2006-06-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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