elgac's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm a fucking loser asshole Yesterday I fell apart into a pile of self-hate and pity after work. I didn't answer my phone and left a very sad voice mail message. The man posse fought with it though leaving many messages imploring me to return one call. I did. They came and hugged all over me telling me I don't suck and that they love me. I still hate myself a bit currently but I don't feel lost in it like last night. It was a very sweet thing for them to do; it�s totally like there my boyfriend collectively, without all the crap and sex (for the most part). Amin told me I have only one real problem and that is my obsession with sex. He's right and I know it but I'm still unwilling to stop having it. Instead I'm taking a long break from drinking. That should help me not feel so sad and in more control. Though that is one of the reasons I enjoy drinking the loss of control. I think way too much and into great depth, sometimes it greatly rewarding and others frightening. No drinking, ah what will I do how will it go? I'm leaving tonight for J-ville. To attend the opening of a show I was invited to be in. A twenty year retrospective of my high school, with whom I am more proud of than my soon to be dead college. The death of the college hasn't changed my stance that was held before the death announcement. I have such deep-seated hatred of myself. My motives are sometimes quite manipulative. All the good acts I create or participate in are to balance out my evil doing side. Over all I just feel like a fucking loser asshole. 8:45 a.m. - 2006-03-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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