elgac's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To the death of something Ah last night is a blur; on my way to work I recalled that I don't remember how it all ended. Ah yeah partly due to the drinking and due to the fact that I was nervous. Which is a strange state for me, I have enough confidence to fill a....hummm something big. I was worried about what Mary might have expected. Turns out she is as cool as always. I don't deserve to have such a cool sex buddy/friend, what ever you call someone your dating and refuse to make your girlfriend. Aside from that, I have a more pointed point to get to. Jennifer my lovely ex came in with her lady. I was hoping she would come over and say hello but alas they left without a word. Now I'm pissed with Jen not that she broke plans with me, though true be told that was sad. In fact that day I was let down by three close close friends, you know that people you call when your in Jail. The hour I got her text messages declining to hang out with me, I fought with a close friend over nothing, and I was PMSing, all at work. Needless to say I cried a good bit that day, ah rejection. Normally I don't allow it to take over but I was awash with it. The point here is I call Jen; I miss her and try very hard to be in her life but for what? I get the distinct feeling that she could give a fuck all if I called or even died. So after texting a very rude sharp comment I haven't heard from her. Not surprised at all. Yes I am a bitch and I'm sure she doesn't want to hear anything negative I have to say. Cool, last night I would have not said a thing, old Elgac would have but hey a crazy Latin chick, a near death experience, and a year of therapy have changed all that. I'm at a different place now. I could die at any moment, like yesterday when the old dude ran a red light and almost clipped me in front of my home. I due believe a car shall be my death, and I accept that. She was my first woman; I loved her for four years. All that time thrown away because of what, "I don't have time?" Yeah well it's nice to know that when things are good I get nothing. Don't call me when the shit falls apart, because I'm moving on. My feelings were hurt but that has been dealt with. I would love to reconnect, but only if she ventures towards me. You make time in your life for the people and things that matter. 9:06 a.m. - 2006-02-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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